I'm a mess and its been so long.

I didn't expect today to happen.
But I'm so, so glad it did.
The rush when I was going to see you.
The talk...

I'm confused too now.
A little relieved, a little shaken...
It hurts to know some things still, you know what they are, but I try to keep myself composed.
Haha, that's when my face screws up, you've seen.

To me, today wasn't enough.
But if its all I can get for now, then so be it.
I'll cherish every last moment spent with you.
But I beg for more.

I'm really sad I'm not going (because I can't?) be there for some significant moments in your life.
Because, I don't want to miss anything...
I want to be there to go through everything with you
I want to watch you grow up
I want you to grow up with me too...
I so want to be there...
So badly do...

It crushes me that I'm gonna miss some firsts.
Firsts that you promised me...
I still want to be the firsts
But that's really wishful thinking now
And I want you to be my firsts too...
I'll save my pillion seat for you, haha
Amongst the other firsts

I'm sad I'm gonna miss a chunk of your life. I don't want to.

But I'm trying to look at the bigger picture.
Because you're in my bigger picture.
Always have been no matter what.

I hope, eventually, you are...
Because I believe...
I do believe
That you'll come back to me
For you are a significant part of my life
A huge chunk
And no one else will ever be
No other guy will go through as much as I went through with you
No one, and I can guarantee that

However you are, when you come back to me, I'll take you in.
I'll take it all.

I just... Hope... Hope so much...
That she won't overtake you...

I hope... One day, you'll see... One day, you'll realise...
And that's when you choose to come back to me...

Please, just don't forget what we talked about just now.
How I wish my memory is a recorder that I can play over and over again to relive the moment with you.
But then again, I wish not, because then I can't stop the bad memories too.

And think. Because the choices are still there in front of you.
And I've realised that sometimes the choice for you, is not the choice you want to take, and is not the choice you chose, and if you know that, you'll realise it later on.

So think, how far we've gone, because I think its worth saving...

I was together when I was with you today.
But the moments after you left, I started crumbling again slowly
Much like the song I sang to you on VDay
I Will Be - Leona Lewis
You keep me from falling apart

When I meet you all this while, I've been holding myself back.
Because I wanted to hold you and touch you and kiss you and cuddle up to you just like before, but I held back because you're not with me to begin with.
But to finally, today, yeahh, well, that's why I was driven to tears.
I long for you.
And my lips are sore now, haha. I'm surprised, they've never been sore.
Reminds me of what you said that first time, in the bus, on the way home from Baybeats. hahaha

I love you.
I miss you the moment you left.
Mushy, but, hehe!

I love you.
I do.



I think this entry is a mess. Bits and pieces here and there. There's no flow.
Pardon me.
Thanks to half a bottle of Long Island Black, I'm woozy.
How weak am I, haha.